April 11, 2003
Horror/Slasher
R
United States
Director: Rob Zombie
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages: you are about to enter a world of darkness. A world where life and death are meaningless, and pain is God.”
October 30, 1977
Captain Spaulding’s Museum of Monsters and Madmen is an out-of-the way attraction for people who need gas or have nothing better to do with their time. For four young adults, it’s the perfect place to check out for their book.
Jerry (Chris Hardwick) is the fanatical one of the group, where is girlfriend, Denise (Erin Daniels) isn’t quite as excited about it. Bill (Rainn Wilson) is into it, though not as much as Jerry, and his girlfriend, Mary (Jennifer Jostyn), is even less thrilled than Denise. But, as they are writing a book on such places, they all agree to check it out. Jerry buys them tickets to go on Captain Spaulding’s murder ride, and it’s here that they learn of the legend of Doctor Satan. Jerry is dying to know where the tree that supposedly hanged Doctor Satan is, so Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig) draws him a crude map.
Denise and Mary are arguing with Jerry about how necessary it would be to see the tree, considering it’s dark and pouring rain. As they’re debating, Bill spots a woman on the side of the road, hitchhiking. He pulls over to let the woman in, and she directs them to her house. Unfortunately for the four, Baby (Sheri Moon Zombie), is also leading them to their demise.
Rufus (Robert Allen Mukes), Baby’s brother, shoots out their tire. Baby tells the others to not worry because “my brother”, that being Rufus himself, has a tow truck and they’re in walking distance from her house. Her and Bill get out of the car to get Rufus, and they’re soon all reunited at the farmhouse, which looks like something out of a nightmare.
The night quickly goes from bad to worse as the girls become jealous of Baby and how affectionate she is with the boys. There’s a lot of arguing, and Mother Firefly (Karen Black) tells them to leave. They do, but before they can even get off the property, they’re attacked by Otis (Bill Moseley) and Tiny (Matthew McGrory) and taken back to the house.
October 31 – Halloween
The group find themselves in a lot of trouble. Bill dies first, being turned into “Fish Boy” by Otis. Jerry is scalped by Baby, but is left alive. Mary is chained in a shack outside with a bunch of recently-killed girls. Denise is tied up in a bed, where she almost gets out when Tiny lets her go. She doesn’t, of course, because Otis stops her and throws her in a cage.
Halloween is a big night for the Firefly family, and they celebrate it with excessive amounts of alcohol and murder. Mary tries to run off, but Baby catches her and stabs her to death. Denise and an unconscious Jerry are put in a coffin and lowered into the ground, where Jerry is grabbed by a bunch of people seemingly living in the muck.
Denise starts to make her way through the labyrinth of tunnels, where you can see how the farm got the name of “House of 1000 Corpses”. She finds her way to a place that looks almost like a waiting room in a doctor’s office. There are people there, eating, either disfigured or have some sort of contraption attached to them. It’s here that Denise finds Jerry. Unfortunately, he’s strapped to the operating table of none other than Doctor Satan (Walter Phelan) himself, who looks like he’s being kept alive by machines. He has Jerry’s skull opened up and shoots electricity into the brain, causing blood to flow from Jerry’s mouth.
Denise takes off when a huge, cyborg-like man comes at her with an ax. He ends up being his own downfall when he swings the ax at her and knocks a pillar over, causing the roof to collapse on him. Denise seems to also get caught in the rubble as she falls to the ground.
November 1
Denise wakes up and crawls to freedom. She manages to make her way to a road, where she waves down a car. She’s battered and bleeding and readily gets into the car driven by Captain Spaulding. She says she needs to go to a doctor, and Spaulding tells her he’ll take her to one, she just needs to lean back and relax. She ends up passing out, not realizing that there’s someone else in the car with them.
Otis pops out of the back seat. When Denise wakes up, she’s the one strapped to Doctor Satan’s table.
This was the first movie that Rob Zombie directed, and I instantly became a fan. It has gore, blood, and more gore. And then more blood. However, if you don’t have a strong stomach, are easily offended, or just aren’t used to horror movies, I don’t recommend this, at least not right away. Even for more seasoned horror fans, it can be difficult to watch, and I think that was done intentionally. As stupid as this is going to sound, it plays out like a horror movie, which is really hard to explain unless you’ve seen it. There are cuts of random photo and video footage that just makes you feel uncomfortable.
Having said that, if you can take all the ick this movie has to offer, along with the very strong language and nudity, it’s so worth it. I’ve watched horror all my life, and this was one of the very few that disturbed me upon first seeing it. Psychotic people make the best villains, mostly because we, as viewers, know that this kind of thing can actually happen, even if only subconsciously. The movie is very over-the-top, as is the Hollywood way, but the insane, crazed killers that are really out there make these kind of movies that much more terrifying, proof by this film being the one that put Rob Zombie’s mark in the world of horror.
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